When I was a kid, I was quite a liar. No one ever called me on it, so either I was a really good liar, or they were just willing to overlook it. I was good at exaggerating the truth too, so that my stories sounded way more interesting than they were. It took until I was in my late teens to decide I hated lying. I made a conscious decision to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But, even here, I hated confrontation, so I would choose to hide rather than have to admit to the truth that I felt. Then, I read a book called Fierce Confrontations. It talks about being honest and having direct, honest discussions with people even if (especially if) it is going to be a difficult conversation. I loved that idea and so I proceeded to espouse the principles it taught. So I began to believe in being very honest in all things, especially emotion.
I love raw emotion. I love hearing music that feels honest and slightly painful. I love contemporary dance that hides nothing, where I can feel the love, pain, happiness, aching. I love art that connects to my soul, that almost demands the attention of my senses. I love reading soul-revealing literature. I began to believe in being BLATANTLY honest. I hated wondering if I was hearing the whole story. I really wanted to hear everything. If I'm bothering you, tell me. If you are happy, tell me all about it. If you are in pain, tell me.
What I realized - really only recently - is that blatant honesty can hurt. Why is this new information for me? I thought, if it is honest and real, then anyone should be able to say it, then talk about it. Right? I read a book by my friend's daughter. It was an autobiography, and my friend's daughter was very open, VERY open, about how she felt about growing up and her relationship with her mother, my friend. It wasn't always pretty. In fact, sometimes, my friend didn't look so good. I LOVED the book. I loved the honesty, the openness. For me, it said more about the daughter than it said about the mother. I found myself wishing I could read memoirs about all of the people in my world so I could get to know them better. What I was overlooking, was how hurt my friend was by the blatant honesty that was now published and public. And, not only was it blatantly honest, but it was blatant honesty as seen through her DAUGHTER'S eyes. All of us have slightly unflattering things to say about our childhoods and our mothers. But, our moms don't have to read all about it in the neighborhood book store.
About a year ago, a close friend let me read a very personal journal entry. I had a reaction to it, and told him all about it. I was being honest. However, my response to his very personal, sacred, experience was hurtful to him. I definitely felt bad about hurting him, but I still felt justified in not only feeling what I felt, but in telling him, in detail, my reaction to his experience. I'm so saddened by my insensitivity. I was thinking this morning on my long bike ride, that I think I like blatant honesty when it deals with someone else, or, if it has to do with me, I love honesty that makes me look or feel good. Let me explain. "Can I be honest and tell you just how much I love you?" My response? "Why yes, of course, I love honesty." "I have to tell you that I just don't like you today." My response? Ouch. It's not that I don't want to hear it, but I do have to acknowledge the hurt that goes with it.
Luckily, I have good friends and a great husband that let me be as much myself as is socially acceptable. ;) These amazing people know the good parts of me, as well as the bad, and love me just the same. They also are willing to keep the bad parts of me a little quieter in their hearts and minds than the good. I am learning how to be honest, but in the process, never stomping all over someone's feelings that I care so deeply about. It's always the ones that are the closest to me that I hurt the most. I honestly hate that.
It's hard to NOT hurt the ones we're closest to (or be hurt in return) because that's where our emotions run the strongest. If we don't care quite so much about them, their reactions to us and us to them don't affect us so deeply. At least, that's what I've found holds true for me. :)
ReplyDeleteGood point. I also think we are the most honest WITH those with whom we are closest. I was thinking too, in the last two months, two separate women asked me to be, not more honest, but more open with them about some things that happened in the past. When I answered honestly and openly, the first said her feelings were hurt, and the second became defensive. It makes me wonder to what level of honesty or openness people are comfortable or accustomed. I have been accused of being too honest in the past. Funny considering my beginnings, I guess. On the other hand, I got a call from our Precinct Chair last night. After our discussion, she said she likes to talk to me because I am honest with her. So, who knows.
ReplyDeleteHonesty is a hard one. I am totally on your side about hating lies. I have a few people in my life that I know lie often and it's very hard for me to deal with them. I know they don't lie with the intent to hurt anyone, and most of the time it's not worth it to call them on it, but it makes me crazy. I feel like I can't have a real relationship with them.
ReplyDeleteI have also had a few experiences with people in my life where they were very honest with me, and hurt my feelings badly, but in the long run they helped me see flaws within myself that I desperately needed to fix and I became a better person because of it. One of those people is still a very close friend and I am so happy we made it through that time, but it still hurts to think of the experience.
Not sure I totally have a point with my comment, but thanks for making me think!
I don't know that it is the lying I am aware of, but I think we edit our comments a lot. I end up leaving a conversation wondering if I have offended someone because I am pretty sure they won't tell me if I have. So, instead of having the other person be upfront and tell me what they are thinking so we can talk about it, I'm left to just question and guess. And that makes me neurotic! For sure!! In the moment, I tend to be very open, and then, in retrospect I panic and wonder how my comments were interpreted.
ReplyDeleteI SO get the frustration with not being able to have a real relationship with someone because I feel that either they don't want to be that open, or they just can't be that open with ME.
I have also been hurt, and hurt others with my comments so I am still trying to flesh out how to be honest without being hurtful. Still trying to learn. EVERY DAY!