When I read that last December, I groaned. "Please don't let it be true," I thought. There is no way I will ever love, or like, or appreciate, or even tolerate this "Beast". That would mean that I will never conquer it. No way! That has to be wrong. I tried to just ignore it. But, the quote wouldn't go away. It was always hovering in the shadows of my mind. Unbidden, it would quietly surface just to remind me it was still there. I didn't even know I had this particular Beast: fear. In fact, I arrogantly would have insisted that I didn't really have any fears of note. I mean, I knew I had a fear of jumping off of high things without a harness (cliffs, diving boards, very tall rocks). I also have discovered a fear of watching my kids hiking on dangerous paths (Dave took Casey and Bryn hiking up Angel's Landing in Zion National Park, I stayed back so my anxiety wouldn't be infectious). However, other than these perfectly rational fears ;), I truly wouldn't have been able to list any others.
For the last two years, God, in His infinite wisdom and goodness, has seen fit to show me all new fears in exquisite detail. In true Kerstin fashion, I fought and fought against these fears. It's not that I was in denial about them. Since they were so glaringly obvious, and shown to me in crystal clear HD, I couldn't be in denial about them. I felt the weight of the fears like a heavy homemade quilt wrapping every part of me in its "comfort," stifling my sometimes claustrophobic-prone awareness. I can only say I tried to push the quilt off, or at least find an opening to catch a deep breath or two. I found, however, that trying to fight it was like trying to fight summer humidity in Illinois. I was able to find reprieves, though, smaller and shorter at first, eventually growing into longer and longer stretches of contentment. However, I always knew that I was just in a temperature-controlled environment. I always knew the humidity was just waiting for me outside the door.
Just recently, I was thinking about my humid nemesis. But this time when I thought about it, I had a new and very welcome thought: not only have I come to a peace with my fear, I have actually come to love it. Truly love it. I have discovered that I am no longer afraid of it, in fact, I just don't need it anymore. Contented Sigh. These last two years have put into perfect clarity what I need, what is bonus, and what is just extra stuff I don't need or even want anymore. Turns out this particular Beast won't destroy me after all -- at least not today. Be still. Beautiful!
