"So, you're a singer?" I'm asked often.
I pause, hesitant, "Well. . . I sing."
Blank look. "What does that mean? Don't you have a degree in singing?" They respond.
"Yes . . . sort of. It's in choral education." I reply.
"Haven't you been teaching singing in one form or another for years?" They ask.
"Yes"
"Haven't you taken singing lessons off and on for 15 years?" They are starting to get irritated.
"Yes"
"Haven't you put in your 10,000 Malcolm Gladwell hours?" Pitch is rising.
"And then some." I answer.
"Then, you are a singER!" They say definitively.
. . . . . This is the hard part. If I say, "Yes" I'm claiming something. As soon as I say I'm a singER, people expect something of me. Or, perhaps, they think I put myself in a certain category of accomplishment. I don't make money singing. I'm not a professional singER by any means. I don't sound like an opera singer, I don't sing like most musical theater singERs, I only sing certain kinds of jazz, I sing folk and pop, but only in my own way. The next time they hear me sing, they will be making their own decision.
Am I a singER? I have been singing almost since birth, it's how most people knew me as a kid. It's probably in my veins and sinews, the most basic core of who I am. However, how much it calls to me ebbs and flows over the years. Sometimes, I sing daily. And sometimes, it takes me months to actually let the constant, but quiet, pull of my piano draw me to it. But once it wins and I give in, I usually stay glued to the bench for song after song. I guess, YES, I am a singER. But, I don't sound like anyone else, I don't have a genre, I just sing like me.
There's more.
This next quote is hard for me to write. It sounds so arrogant, so please keep reading to get my meaning. "You are a good writer!" A few people have been kind enough to say. But then, they are not going to tell me to my face that I stink at it are they? Regardless, I have heard it often enough that I have been thinking about it. Am I a writER?
This one is much easier for me to answer. I have a friend who is a writER, a published, practiced, talented writER. I have been reading about the process she goes through to write her next book. A rewrite of the whole book to change voice. A rewrite of the whole book to change setting. She edits again, and again, and again. She writes every day for hours and hours.
I write a blog. I hope I am grammatically correct. I hope I use full sentences. I hope I use correct tenses. I very much hope I am somewhat interesting, and somewhat entertaining to read. I sincerely hope I sometimes connect with people on a deeper level. However, am I a writER? No. I don't claim to be a writER. Yet, since I know I am not a writER, every compliment, every kind word is a rare treasure that I hold close, never to be forgotten.
Am I a teachER?
Twenty-one years ago, when I got my first teaching job, I was more than slightly terrified. I remember standing in my empty classroom before a single student arrived. I distinctly remember saying to myself with much trepidation, "I sure hope I like this." My fears were unfounded. I loved it. However, I only taught for three years before I stopped teaching in a classroom to become a mother. Within a couple of years, I had friends and neighbors begging me to start teaching private piano lessons. When I couldn't dissuade them - and I tried - I reluctantly agreed to open a teaching studio in my home. Again, I quickly learned to love it. I taught for about 14 years before I "retired" due to my children's busy afternoon schedules. In the meantime, my youngest daughter began all-day Kindergarten, so I begged the principal of our elementary school for a job teaching at the school. I started teaching a math rotation, and now, for the last three years plus, I have been teaching reading intervention with an amazing team. However, since my position was that of an aide, I was never sure what to tell people when they asked what I did for work. When people found out I worked in a school, they would ask if I was a teacher. Not wanting to sound presumptuous, I always told people no. However, I have since changed my mind. Being a teachER is more than your official title. It's more than a job you have or a thing you do. Teaching is a mind-set. It's either in your bones, or it isn't. I think you can learn to be a teacher for a career, but whether or not you become a teachER, whether or not it becomes a part of your soul, the way you think, who you are, has to be remembered or discovered, not learned. Almost every calling I have ever had in my church has been teaching related. Or, I have turned it into a teaching opportunity.
Am I a teachER? Yes. I am. It is a switch I can not turn off, even if I try. It's how I approach every situation. There is always an internal dialogue of how I would approach or teach something differently.
Am I a runnER?
Yes. I have been running off and on for 25 years, and have been a consistent runnER for the last 16 years. I have run some marathons and a handful of triathlons, however, I have won NONE of them. The only medals I have from running are for races where everyone gets a medal for finishing. I think I feel like a runner because I choose to run at least 4 times a week -- every week -- year after year. I don't necessarily love to run, and my favorite part of a run is finishing each run. But, if I do have to miss an occasional run because of illness, I miss it body, mind, and spirit. I feel so much better if I have run that morning. So, when our alarm goes off at a ridiculously early hour, I grumble and groan just like everyone else. But, while I'm grumbling, I'm lacing up my shoes.
Yes, I am a runnER.
Am I a bikER?
No. Even though I have been consistently biking twice a week, either outside or at the rec center, for a couple of years now, I haven't earned this particular ER.
Am I a readER?
YES! Thankfully, yes! I see the struggle it is for my students to learn to read, and I am so grateful that I can read without the difficulty they experience. It is a major source of peace and satisfaction in my life. It's something I practice daily. 10,000 hours? Easy!
I am a readER!
Am I a mothER?
YES! YES! YES! and YES!! My co-favorite descriptor is that of a mothER! I love spending time with my girls! They are smart, funny, kind (um, mostly), and a continual source of joy for me. I find that I don't even mind driving them to their various classes, school, work, shopping - ok, I lied, I hate shopping, etc. I love being able to meet any one of their needs. With Casey getting older, I find I recognize the shortness of the time I will have with them before they go out on their own, so I appreciate our time together even more.
I am most definitely a happy mothER!
Finally, I am a partnER/wife!
My other co-favorite desciptor is that of being a partnER to a great man. I owe much of who I am, and who I am becoming to the way Dave encourages and empowers me. I still have a long way to go to find and embrace the strength I believe lies dormant inside me, but I am grateful to be married to a man who wants to support me, who wants me to realize who I was meant to become.
I am a grateful partnER!
A singER, writer, teachER, runnER, biker, readER, MOTHER, PARTNER. These are just a handful of words that describe, in their own way, my journey. I still don't know when that line is crossed and I become an official ER. Each category is a journey, a part of a whole, snapshots in time, phases of a life. There's so much more to learn, to experience, to become. I'm so inexplicably grateful my family will be there to experience it with me.
