Enough kind people have asked about how I am doing lately to warrant an update. No news is good news on this one. I have written half a dozen posts in my head, but just haven't felt compelled to put pen to paper, so to speak. My other posts I felt very driven to write, even though I have had A LOT of second thoughts on posting the last one. If I hadn't felt so compelled to write it, I most certainly wouldn't have written it, much less posted it for others to read. I so hope it was the right thing to do. I still worry that some people might have seen it as me just exposing my weaknesses to the world in a fit of emotional throw-up.
I am doing really well. All of the garbage (insert swear word if you'd rather - it applies) I have gone through is mostly gone. I haven't had a panic attack for months, I'm eating just fine, actually a little better than fine -- oops, I'm sleeping about 97% of the time (when I haven't had too much evening caffeine - oops again), and I look forward to time alone again. I have so many things I want to do, that I can't keep up. A lot of really good things have happened as well in the last several months. I have made new friendships, renewed, and cemented, old ones, joined a book club, added yoga to my routine, competed in three triathlons, a half marathon, started attending a Book of Mormon class (it's too basic and therefore a little frustrating, however), and I have read several books, some better than others. I'm also singing again, and my sabbatical from my calling as ward choir director is over.
My relationship with Casey has also grown leaps and bounds. As she gets older and matures, much faster than maybe she should, I find that we connect more and more. She is a surprisingly deep thinker for a sixteen-year-old young woman. It is such a pleasure having deeper and deeper discussions with her.
The best part of the last several months is that my relationship with Dave has been refined and solidified even more than it had already in our 19 1/2 years of marriage before this crash. I feel like we have always been close, to differing degrees over the years, but since my crash, we have been able to use it as an amazing opportunity for us to turn to each other even more intensely. Dave is an immensely caring person who spends every day helping people. I have admired that in him ever since I met him. For the first time, he has needed to be my personal, on-call 24/7, therapist. Since I HATE feeling weak and vulnerable, when I have had those, very new, feelings, often I will stuff them deep down and try to go on with my daily stuff that just needs to get done. I try, desperately, to hide those feelings, but I am woefully unsuccessful. Dave is very attuned to me, and can tell when I am holding something back. Thankfully for me, he asks the right questions and genuinely wants me to tell him everything I am thinking. He has been amazingly non-judgmental and open. And, he is willing and eager to listen again and again as I process thoughts and emotions. He constantly surprises me with his loving, and supportive responses. Every woman should be so lucky.
I have experienced several spiritual tender mercies as well. Again and again, I keep finding the phrase "Be still" and "Just wait" directed at me. When I don't listen and try to pursue my own avenues, doors close - over and over and over again. I think, with Dave's help (and yoga), I'm finally learning how to deep breathe, let everything go and just let happen what needs to happen. I feel peace. Sometimes, I can't get my head and my heart on the same page, but at least, they are reading the same book now. I don't know how the book ends, or even what the next page holds, but I will try to just be ready and accept whatever is written there.
