My Epiphany

I thought I was done with my blog. I haven't felt drawn to write for some time now. I certainly have had much on my mind, but I have been lucky enough to have not only my fabulous husband, Dave, to talk to, but amazing friends as well. These friends let me dive straight into the deepest end of any ocean (ok, pool, since I am afraid of open water swimming) and talk about anything and everything, including and most especially, topics most Mormons refuse to even think about much less discuss.

However, I feel like I have had such an epiphany in the last day or so that my mind is whirring. I have so much on my mind, I want to see if can put it in writing: to flesh out the specifics on my own before I have another discussion. Besides, in person, this would dominate the discussion for far too long.

I have a hard time sitting still, I have too much of my mother in me.  I love to be very scheduled.  It helps me feel like I am actively engaged in doing, in learning.  I usually struggle finding the right balance of being just the right amount of busy, and the right amount of being available to be with my family.  Usually I don’t find the line until I cross over it and find I am on the “much too busy” side of the line.  Because of this need to always be working toward something, I’m always on the lookout for things that interest me.  Over the last several years, I have pursued several different avenues of interest for me, only to have each door close one after another, again and again. I won't go into specifics here because it doesn't matter what they were.  I had some time on my hands and was itching to fill it with the preparation I KNEW was going to be necessary for whatever was going to happen NEXT in my life. Then, this last year, it seemed like I was getting a more specific and pointed direction, perhaps from God, to "Be Still".  One day, I was watching a show on television, and the lead singer of The Fray sang their new song, "Be Still", which hit me hard; it went right to my gut.  Then, I went to church, and the song chosen for the congregation to sing was "Be Still My Soul"; again, a strong reaction.  Soon after, a friend gave me the gift of a bracelet on which was engraved, yup, you guessed it, "Be Still and Know That I Am God". These are just three of many reminders. All coincidences? Yup, probably. But to me, it seemed like a message. It felt good when I thought about it, so I decided that God was trying to tell me something. I was pretty sure what it meant: "Be still and just be patient". I was sure something was coming. I speculated that maybe I needed to save up some energy because something big must be imminent. . . I was sure it was right around the corner. . . Any day now. . . um. . . Weeks went by, then months, then a year and still counting.

Then, the other morning it hit me, maybe the message isn't "Be still and be patient because something else is coming". Maybe the message has been "Be still and just appreciate where you are!" What a concept! It came rushing at me all at once how incredibly lucky I am! Almost without fail, every morning I get to run or bike with Dave. I get an hour of uninterrupted discussion along with the motivation to stay in shape. Twice a week, Casey, my oldest daughter, even joins us. Then, I get to walk my youngest daughter to her school since that is also where I work. We get to talk about the upcoming day and anything else on her mind.  At work, I teach reading intervention to 21 students ranging from 1st grade to 4th grade. I adore my students and most of the time I enjoy trying desperately to help them learn to read. They are difficult, wonderful, frustrating, sweet, confusing, endearing, challenging children.

For a long time, it seemed like it wasn't enough. Since my degree and license are in a different field of education, I have felt like I should have been looking for a teaching position in that different field.  However, I realized this morning that the benefits to this job are huge. I have no meetings I have to attend, no professional development that is required of me, no extended lesson plans to prepare, nothing to grade. Also, I get to come home every day at 12:00. My kids come home around 3:00, so I have three hours to myself every day.

 I used to feel guilty about having this time on my hands. Surely, I should spend that time preparing for my next job, my next church calling, my next college degree, working on my music. Then I realized, right now, I have time to go to lunch with a friend, study scriptures, go to yoga class, go to the temple, work on finances, clean the house, practice the piano or sing (ok I don't practice, but I have time to if I want to), take a nap, read a book -- I've read book after delicious book --  prepare dinner since I'm loving to cook, not just bake, again. Then, when the kids come home, I have time to drive them to ballet, to violin, pick them up from an activity, take them to or pick them up from a friend's house. Then, when things settle down in the evening, we are all together as a family. We spend most nights like that, all together. Sometimes we watch a show, usually a Netflix series of the moment. Sometimes we are just home, hanging out together talking with and listening to each other. I get to do all of these things without worrying about homework from a class I'm taking, lesson plans to prepare for the next class I'm teaching, church callings that I just can't master.

I used to feel like if I didn't have something concrete to show for my time, I was failing.  If I didn’t have a CD of finished music, another degree to my name, more worldly recognition, more, more, more, than I was being stagnant and lazy. I finally realized that right now, I get to be a teacher – it’s in my blood, who I am -- and more importantly, I get to be a mom.  I love my relationships with my three girls. Being a mother is the best thing I have ever done, and the best thing I will ever do.  I never want to lose focus of that again.

Best of all, with this extra time Dave and I have at night now (Dave used to have a busy church assignment which ate up a chunk of his time every week), we spend a TON of time together.  We go anywhere and everywhere together.  Most errands are done side by side.  We also go out three times a week to catch a quick bite and just talk. We know each other top to bottom, inside and out, the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. We know just about everything that there is to know about ourselves and each other. But then, of course, there is much more to discover, we just haven't unearthed it yet.  He is my best and dearest friend.

I realized that I have everything, and yet for some reason, I still wanted more.  How ungrateful.  How foolish.  

BE STILL. Oh, ok, now I get it. Nice!