I wrote this as a response to my girlfriend, Nicole's, Facebook post about the progression of her views on gay marriage as she realized how those viewpoints now included herself as a lesbian woman. She referenced me as being someone ahead of the curve, and it gave me the opportunity to think about my own journey on this path. I wanted to put my thoughts here so they would be collected with other deep feelings I have shared over the years. While my complete journey would take a thousand more posts, this is a small snapshot of my thoughts. They are as follows:
Nicole is always so generous and kind when it comes to me and my thoughts. I wish I could claim that I was always super progressive. I guess I did always believe that people should be able to love whomever they love without interference from anyone else.
I used to have a teacher friend many many (many) years ago that always talked about her roommate. I strongly suspected that this was cloaked language, but I never asked her to clarify or asked her questions that could potentially out her. However, the thought that perhaps she had to hide her roommates' real status in her life out of fear of career repercussions, or how she would be treated, or for whatever reason, made me so so so sad. The fact that I could freely talk about my spouse and she felt she couldn't, felt profoundly unfair.
I am sad to admit, however, that my journey was imperfect. I wanted all partners to be able to have the same rights I had, medically, financially, career and housing opportunities without discrimination, etc. but I thought those could be accomplished with civil unions or just expanding the definitions of what it meant to be someone's life partner.
I slowly began to see how ridiculous it was for some people to have the right to define their relationship, while others didn't. They didn't get to choose how to categorize their own relationships. It was a construct put upon them by others to only define themselves in a very limited way. I started to see how again, this was profoundly unfair. I don't have the right to tell anyone what their relationships mean to them, and no one else should have that right either.
I was livid about Prop 8. I couldn't believe a religion, at the time, my religion, could and would put so much money, energy and effort into defeating the right for two people to define their relationship in the way they felt best. It was again, profoundly unfair!
I waited anxiously for the verdict from the highest court. When I found out about the landmark Supreme Court case giving to right to marry to everyone, I woke up my dear friend Becca because I knew she would be as happy as I was, more so I'm sure. It was one of the proudest moments I had experienced about our country's willingness to be more inclusive. I think I was teary all day. Finally, this ridiculous limitation was removed.
As I argued with friends and family (and anyone willing to listen) about the rights' of LGBTQIA+ people, I was ignored, eye rolled, and "accused" of being "one of them". I say accused, because that's definitely what it felt like.
Then, I realized, I WAS one of them. Having never had the opportunity or space to imagine that as a possibility for ME, ever, I never did consider that it could be my truth. With this realization, many things in my life began to click into place as I realized why some things worked for me, and some things never did. I found Nicole, and my life, and my sexuality, made sense. I suddenly felt like I could own my own skin, and then share my deepest self with someone else in a way I just couldn't before.
I quickly found that some people who were closest to me, who claimed to be strong allies in that fight, realized that they could be allies to other people in that fight, to be proud of them for finding the real them, but they could not support that for me. It was too personal to them, too close, too painful for them to support me. I needed to be vilified, pushed away, criticized. They needed to see me as deeply, and fundamentally confused. Where I was once thoughtful and wise to them, I became broken and wrong. (Thankfully, I did always have the support and continuous love of Casey and Bryn, for which I will forever be tearfully and heart-meltingly grateful.)
Despite all of that, I am proud to be who I am. I never shy away from talking about my amazing girlfriend, or from being lovey in public (sorry Bryn and Casey 😁 ) even though we often get sidelong glances and sometimes all-out stares from other patrons who have seemingly never seen an openly lesbian couple showing affection for each other in public. I get to do that, to be that, openly, because of the long, wearisome struggle of so many for so long. I get to do that because many people continue to try to learn to be more inclusive. I know that there are people, so so many people who refuse to welcome, to love, to progress in their thinking that they continue to hate, actively. But, if enough of us continue to try to do better, to be better, to choose love in all things, we will move the pendulum toward more love, toward more inclusiveness, more safety for all people.
I really didn't mean for this to turn into a speech, ;) this is what Nicole's beautiful writing always does to me. :D
I choose love, I choose to be forever LOUD and PROUD! 💜❤️💜❤️
