Original Dreams

After my last post, Dave and I were having a delicious discussion about dreams (over delicious Indian food - I so like Indian food).  We talked about how dreams change, are sometimes set aside for a time or for good, or are realized.  We discussed how some dreams are so long in being realized that we lose focus of our original dream.  I thought I would talk about some of my original dreams, whether or not they have been realized as of yet, whether or not they have changed.

Original Dream #1:  Be a professional singer:  Unrealized.  Ever since I was a little girl, I have sung, and sung, and sung, and sung.  My brothers used to beg me - no seriously, beg me - to stop singing.  I might have mentioned before that we had a rule that there was no singing at the dinner table.  That rule never made sense to me until I had my middle daughter. Now we have the same rule.  I kept singing, got a scholarship in vocal music and headed off to college.  It had been my thing since I was a toddler, so I just followed the path of least resistance.  I started off as a vocal performance major.  I was going to perform for a living!  Then, three things happened.  1) In order to be a performance major in the music department at my university, I would have to focus on classical singing, opera.  Hmmm.  I realized I didn't have the passion for that at all.  2)  I started thinking about the life I would have to live as a performer.  I would be working when everyone else was off.  I would have to work late into the night.  I would probably have to travel a lot to find the gigs, and that's IF I had gigs.  It didn't seem like a good life for a mom, see Original Dream #3.  3)  After hearing us sing, my choir professor placed us in his choir where he wanted us to stand.  Later, when I was taking a methods class from him and he was explaining how to situate a choir, I found out that he had placed me in the second worst place in the soprano section.  He didn't like my voice at all.  I found I couldn't get any solos.  I was soundly rejected from his advanced choir.  O-U-C-H.  Even though I had other professors later who were much more complimentary, that first professor certainly had an affect on how I felt about my voice.  My dream was reevaluated, and changed.  I changed my major to music education, and discovered a love of teaching instead. I learned that teaching is in my bones.  Now I still sing, twenty years post college, but never professionally - yet.

Original Dream #2:  Get married and stay married.  Realized (so far).  I met Dave in college when we were both in the same choir, me for my major, him, for fun.  After knowing each other for about a year and a half, we decided to take the plunge.  Making such a big decision so young, with so little information about each other, and so little life experience still makes me shake my head in wonder.  I really lucked out.  Dave is most certainly not perfect, but then neither am I.  However, he seems to be the perfect match for me in almost every category.  Happily every after, right?  Nope, not even close.  Although we are both (I guess you will just have to ask him) very happy with our choices, there have been periods of time when we took each other for granted, were very distant from each other, didn't understand each other, or didn't even like each other.  There was even a stretch when we went through some major marriage turmoil.  We had to reevaluate Original Dream #2.  We had to ask some serious questions, some of which were, "Do we still agree with our original dream?  Do we need some renegotiation on our contract or do we need to break it altogether?"  We were and we weren't the same people we married.  We had grown, changed, evolved.  We had to decide if we wanted to do some work to find each other again.  Luckily for me, Dave has always been a hard worker.  In the process, we learned so much about each other, the bad and the good, the frustrating and the amazing, the ugly and the beautiful.  We continue to learn, and we continue to work.  But, so far, we both love Original Dream #2.

Original Dream #3:  Be a mom, and a stay-home-mom at that.  Realized.  I was a horrible babysitter growing up.  I was actually a little nervous to become a mom because I worried I wouldn't really like my kids.  But I knew that if I became a mom, I wanted to be a stay-home-mom.  It didn't matter to me what other moms chose, but for me it was very important.  Dave and I discussed it before we even talked about finalizing our engagement.  For both of us it was a potential deal breaker.  Luckily, it was just as important to Dave as it was to me.  It took us four years to have our first child.  Some of that time was intentional, and some was not.  Maybe that time was good for me to truly be very excited to welcome a baby into our family.  I was teaching choir in a junior high school at the time, so I quit when my first daughter arrived. I was so relieved to discover that I LOVE children.  If I am in a crowded room, I find I'm drawn to the children first.  Phew!  I found I loved being a stay-home-mom -- mostly.  I found that I was bored and overwhelmed at the same time.  While I was pregnant with our second daughter, a neighbor begged me to start teaching piano lessons.  I was extremely reluctant to say the least, but with enough prodding, I started to teach.  I found it was a wonderful thing for me.  I was still home with my kids so if they needed me I could be there in a flash, and I limited it to no more than three students a day.  But, for that 60 - 90 minutes a day, I could focus on something that filled me; music.  And the kids found they had to learn to entertain themselves without relying on me!!  Sigh.  Also, I was earning a little extra money that we used to save for things for the house, for vacations, or just for fun.  In addition, the kids were surrounded by music almost every day.  I taught for 13 years, and just recently stopped teaching so I could carpool to various activities in the afternoons.

When my youngest daughter (my third) entered school, I very much wanted to work, just a little.  I needed meaningful work, and I found I didn't have the interest in doing projects at home.  So, I bugged our principal enough that he gave me a job:  math rotation teacher.  Awesome!  Three part days a week one year turned into three full days the next year, which turned into every day, part time, teaching reading intervention, which I am still doing three years later.  My schedule is ideal!  I walk to school/work with my youngest daughter, work for half a day, then come home so I can still fulfill my responsibilities at home, meet friends for lunch, or have some time to myself for me.  However, since I am rather driven, insert eye roll here, I find myself anxious to pursue the next step for me.  What that is, I'm not sure.  Pursue a teaching position in music again?  Continue down the path of reading intervention which will require another degree?  Either choice, right now, threatens Original Dream #3.  My oldest two had a very focused stay-at-home mom.  My youngest still has two more years in elementary school, and my schedule right now is perfect!  Dave and I had to reevaluate OD #3.  Is that still my dream?  Is it time to change it?  Is Sage old enough to not need me as much?  For me (and every woman has the right to make their own choice here, right?) I still want OD#3.  I want Sage to have a mom that is not stressed out by the responsibilities of my own choir classroom, or pursuing an additional degree right now.  So that means I wait.  To quote Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride, "I hate waiting!"  It is one of my huge faults.  And yet, OD#3 is just as important to me for my third daughter as it was for my first.  Resolute sigh.  In the meantime, I will continue to work on my talents on my own to prepare for "NEXT!"

Original Dream #4:  Travel.  Realized, but I'm not done yet. I have been to 20 different countries, and hope to add to that list.  I have always dreamed of traveling, and that has never gone away.  I hate airports, but I look longingly at planes as they take off close to  my home and can't help but wish I was on them, going who knows where, visiting who knows what.  I inherited it from my grandmother who loved to visit new places.  Always somewhere new to visit, new things to experience, new foods to try, new people to meet.

Original Dream #5:  I don't know yet.  I'm still dreaming. . .  I'll let you know.