How to Lose 5 Pounds in One Day With No Drugs and No Exercise

Impossible, you say?  No, really.  I tried this method myself last Friday and found the claims to be completely accurate.  You just need to follow these five easy (ok, not quite easy) steps.

Step #1:  Be so weak and sick that you can barely move a muscle all day.  The one time you try to venure downstairs, you have to take a break on the top of the stairs to sit down and moan, then you whimper down each step, continuing until you finally reach your bed again and gratefully fall back into bed.

Step #2:  Throw up so many times during the 24 (ok, 32) hours that the thought of food or liquid causes your stomach to convulse and threaten to dry heave.  

Step #3:  Finally, successfully make it downstairs when the kids come home from school where they gather around you and watch hours and hours of "Bones" and "Say Yes to the Dress", while you fade in and out of coherence.  Luckily, um, or unluckily, the girls seemed to like this step.

Step #4:  Turn down a getaway with your spouse the one, and only, time they plan one from beginning to end right down to choosing and booking the hotel.  In Dave's defense, he claims to be the "Idea Man", and I'm in charge of Operations.

Step #5:  After a whole day of lying immobile, you collapse into bed at 8:30 and sleep the sleep of the dead until morning.

After the successful completion of all five steps, you wake up feeling 95% better, and voila, 5 pound weight loss!  What's the first thing I did to celebrate my accomplishment of the weight loss (and being able to stand up)?  I ate a handful of peanut M&M's.  I'm going to enjoy gaining back every ounce I lost.  Speaking of which. . . I'm hungry.