First impressions on the first half of the book:
Things I like: I like
how it encourages women to dream about what they want in life and what they
would like to accomplish and achieve in this life, who they would like to
become. I like how the author encourages
women to do some deep self-analysis to discover more about themselves, about
who they are. I like the focus on the “To-Be
list before the To-Do list”. That by
really knowing who we have been, who we are, and who we are becoming will help
us keep focus in our lives as women, especially since, as women, we tend to
ignore our needs because the needs of our spouses and children scream so much
louder. I like that the author
encourages women to not live through their husband’s or their children’s
dreams. I really like that after reading
half of the book, I am already rethinking a knee-jerk answer my husband and I
gave to our 13-year-old daughter about whether or not she can change ballet
studios from her really great ballet studio with which we have been very happy,
to dance in the youth classes of a professional ballet studio that will take
much more time and money. Our initial response was a resounding NO. But, after reading the book, I am more
willing to look into scholarships or other options since my daughter is finally
finding a focus for all of her passion.
I’m very grateful for the book for that.
Concerns: It seems to
me that the first section, “Dare” is full of educational degree dropping, as
well as professional achievement dropping.
This seems strange to me. For
example, on page 65, we are introduced to Kristine Haglund whose story is about
her “process of acceptance with her first son”.
Her introduction says, “Kristine Haglund, who holds a bachelor’s and
master’s degree in German literature. . .”
Why does it matter what degrees Kristine holds (especially in German
literature) when she is talking about her struggle to relate to her son who is
on the autism spectrum, and who has very different interests than hers? It seems to me that there is a lot of
emphasis on what educational degrees the women have earned and what
professional accomplishments they have attained. For me personally, I don’t care if someone
has earned 4 college degrees or none. I
am interested in what they have to say.
Every story is successful so far save one, the story about
the young woman long jumper who was trying to break the school record of 39’1. She is the only one so far who has not
achieved the dream she set out for herself.
Each example of successful dreaming is also written in hindsight. Each story is written from the standpoint of
already having happened. There are no
stories of those who have followed their dreams and failed miserably. What about a hypothetical mom from Indiana
who dreams to be a famous actor. She
knows that the step she needs to take is to move to L.A. So, she convinces her husband, who just wants
to be supportive of her dreams, to move the family to L.A. However, once they get to their new location,
she can’t find any work at all as a working actor. The husband is trying to work, but can’t find
work in L.A. that will pay for their hole-in-the-wall apartment which is all
they can afford. So, broke and broken,
they return to Indiana with unfulfilled dreams.
This is hypothetical you say. Is
it? Ok, fair enough. However, how about my friend Neil with whom I
went to college in the music department.
He was in his 30’s and really wanted to be a recording artist. He had spent many thousands of dollars on a
cd his family had produced and was still spending thousands of dollars on his
music education. To what end? The cd was awful, and was even the source of
ridicule by some. His professors
repeatedly told him to find a different focus because he was wasting his
money. He had no inherent skills at
being a musician. However, he continued
on, buoyed up by his “dream”. Or, I have
another example of a true story where the dream was realized. However, you will have to decide if the price
that he and his family paid was an acceptable price to pay. Because, “there’s a kind of a sort of cost”
to everything!
My neighbor was a 30-year-old nurse. He dreamed of being a doctor, a
neurosurgeon. He was married with four
children. To realize his dream, he
applied for and was accepted to medical school. After four difficult years of school, came
three years of internship and residency, followed by a few more years of
specialty fellowships around the country.
When he started school, his oldest son was 9, when he was done with his
training, his son was 19. Anyone who
knows the grueling schedule of a student, intern, resident, and fellow knows
that he was not home very much during this time. An entire decade of his children’s lives has
been lost to him. But, he followed his
dream – successfully!
I am not arguing AT ALL that we should not dream, quite the
contrary. However, I believe it is vital
to find balance between dreams, commitments, and family. We have two feet. One foot needs to be firmly rooted in reality
– most especially if there are commitments of family involved. The other foot needs to be allowed to dream –
IF that is something that is desirable to the person.
The author keeps talking about an “unlived life”. What does
that mean? It seems that the author is
discounting the lives of women who are happy with living a quieter life without
the drive to start a new school, become an editor for a magazine, or to do
something else “spectacular”. My
mother-in-law is a good example to me of this kind of a life. She got a degree (not two or three degrees)
in history with the intent to teach.
When she had children, she changed her dream to be a mother. She stayed home to raise her four
children. When they were older, she
found a job as a kindergarten aide in an elementary school in a very
impoverished area. There she worked,
yup, still as an aide, for many many years.
She recently retired. Now, like
always, she keeps her house meticulously clean, takes care of her yard with my
father-in-law, goes on bike rides, travels when she wants to, reads, volunteers
at the local elementary school, and helps babysit grandchildren on
occasion. She doesn’t seem to have
unfulfilled dreams for which she pines.
I don’t believe she has lived an “unlived life”. I’m quite proud of her and the decisions she
has made in her lifetime.
I have dreams. I like
having dreams. I have been working on
the things I love all my life, even making room for surprise discoveries of new
things I love. But, I pursue those
dreams never losing sight of my primary, divine, roles of wife and mother. My dreams should never sacrifice my family to
be realized.
It also seems to be a middle-class way of thinking that everyone has the time and opportunity to dream big. Many of the families in my neighborhood are working one, two, three jobs to earn enough money to make a living for their families to live. I don't think they have the luxury of quitting their jobs to focus on their "dreams".
I realize I’m making judgments without finishing the book
first, but I’m trying to record my first impressions.
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